October 2010: Looking Back on My Last 40 Years.

Dear Diary,

Its hard to believe that you have been with me for the past 40 years of my life. All of the events and all of my emotions, you were there with me along the way for all of them. I do wish that I wrote in you more, recorded more of what happened. So much has happened. Its tough to believe some of the things I’ve written in you. Part of growing is figuring yourself out and I had a lot to learn when I was younger. I’d like to think I’m still growing though. I do still have parts of myself to figure out.

All throughout my┬álife, I’ve had to remain strong and immovable in my demeanor. For the sake of both my mother and my family, and then my other, new family, I felt that if I ever gave in to the hate and darkness that Pinochet’s actions brought about inside of me, both of my families would fall apart. Everyone always looked towards me. I couldn’t let them down. It was an enormous burden. So, for once, allow me to fall apart here, to give in to the hate and heinous thoughts I have had for Augusto Pinochet. I don’t know why I never used you more as a way to release this anger. Maybe I was scared of what it would show me of myself. Maybe I was scared that writing these things would allow me to succumb to these feelings in my real life, where everybody needed me to be a man who was always in control. Anyway, here it goes.

In my mind, we only get once chance at life. I do not know this for sure, but this is what I believe. Each of us, in however much time we have, must fill our lives with as much joy and love as we possibly can. Augusto Pinochet stole decades of life from my father. He stole joy, sadness, anger, fear, and memories, all parts of the human experience, he stole these from my father. He also stole the ways in which my father, a great man, could have positively affected others; his wife, his children, his friends, and even complete strangers to him. He had no right to do this! How could one man, JUST ONE MAN, steal so much from so many people!? One terrible person, a disgrace to humanity, had such a negative effect on so many undeserving victims! My father was a great man, that is for sure. But I’m sure there were very many other great men and women, just like him, in the town over from him. And the town over from that one. And so on.

What’s worse. Every day of my life since my father’s disappearance has been spent with Augusto Pinochet consuming my thoughts. For every one person that Pinochet disappeared, there were five, ten, twelve, fifteen people who were affected by it. The number of people truly affected by this fucking regime is countless. This disgrace to Chile and disgrace to humanity.

I can’t begin to state the things I would do to have been given the chance to end this man’s life. To drive a knife through his heart. To put a bullet through his fucking demented head. To slice open his throat and watch the life drain out of his eyes. I would have enjoyed it. Many people would have thanked me. They would have cried tears of joy over┬áthis. May my family forgive me for these thoughts, but these are my true thoughts, the ones I have always hidden. I have spent so many years of my life thinking about this man. It isn’t fair that so much of my life was consumed by him. The truth of it is that in order to keep living, we must be able to move on. I should have done a better job at this. Even if my country couldn’t do so, I should have recognized that he didn’t deserve to consume my life.

I have so much to be thankful for. My son and daughter have grown to be great young adults. They bring me so much joy. I do not know what I did to raise such great children, but for what they have become, I feel so thankful. My wife. My caring, brilliant, and beautiful wife. She has been through it all with me. She gives me strength and the support I need. Without her, I’m sure I would have crumbled. These are the people I must cherish. The people who make life great. They are the ones I will always think of as I grow old. They will be the last ones around me and the last ones I think about as the last breath left in my body leaves me for good.

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