NO ONE KNOWS what I’ve been doing. I’m scared to even write it down here….
I’ve heard of ESMA by now, haven’t you? Supposedly it’s where they strip imprisoned mothers of their new born children and give them members of the Junta. A girl in my religion class stopped showing up to class a few weeks ago. She wasn’t really my friend, more of an acquaintance. Her name was Selma. After two weeks of absence, we stopped asking about her, because come on. We knew. We know. She’s gone. The worst part is the silence after, that weird creepy silence in the classroom, the inevitable day when Diaz stopped taking her attendance, and even the end of people whispering about her whereabouts. It’s the silence that’s been killing me, that is what disempowers me most. The loss of language, the inability to speak just strictly due to fear created by people I can’t even see. It feels like a large man is grasping his hands around my neck and slightly squeezing so just a little air can get out. Enough to live day by day, enough to sometimes feel like I am breathing normally.
I’ve been looking. Hunting. I’m completely obsessed. I’ve been hunting for clues, for holes, for people who hold information. Professor Diaz, after that day in class weeks ago, I saw it in his eyes that he knew something that he wouldn’t tell me.
So. I’ve been following him …..walking sneakily behind him as he walks home from the University, everyday, waiting outside of his apartment to see if he leaves..scaring my parents I’m out so late, scaring myself from what I might see. He never leaves though. He is scared of something.
I’m escaping the silence through my hunt. I don’t even know WHAT I’m looking for! Selma’s body? Does Diaz know where she is? Maybe he does…he has to know. I KNOW HE IS HIDING SOMETHING.
I feel detached, gone. It’s almost like I’m disappeared in that way. I remember when I was able to focus on the World Cup just three months ago…distractions like that are so far away.
Maybe I’m sick.