Looking back

So what have I actually done these past 45 years? What has been achieved? Other than several short stints in America, a smattering of failed publication attempts and probably volumes worth of writing I have stashed away? I look at my son walking up to our house from where the bus drops him off, the local farm dog greeting him with joy, and realize that only recently have I felt any sense of purpose. These things, these simple things – our home, our relationship, our love and what we have built together – are what truly matter now. That Rosario is healthy and happy with her own husband and son. That Argentina still remains stable to this day despite all we have been through. I recognize all that now. It is a shame Angelica is still not here to share that with us but…there is only myself to blame for that.

A greater shame is that it has taken me so long to reach this point. To reach these realizations. It has taken positively far too long. All my life I have been plagued by fleeting creativity and constant movement that result only in persistent indecisiveness and dissatisfaction. I just couldn’t help it. I was simply always hungry for more and always thinking ahead to the future. At least I lived! But I also feel I never truly waited something out to its very end – to its logical conclusion. This certainly put a strain on my personal relationships as well as on my own mental clarity. I wish I could go back and apologize to all those I wronged. To account for my stubborn nature.

Yet in a way I feel that all along I was reacting in relation to Argentina. All my little fads and episodes were just reflections of Agrentina’s turbulent trajectory and shifting identities. Whenever it changed, whenever something significant occurred and whenever instances in our past were reconciled (or were failed to be reconciled) – I too was changing, moving to somewhere new, growing older, less naive but still perpetually lost and searching.

Argentina was always with me. Even when I was not with it myself. I knew it would always stay with me, have a special place within my being, all the way back to when I sat under that cherry tree at my parents’ house, watching the sunset and feeling that sweet breeze hit me as I was enveloped by those unmistakable chills. I almost shiver now just thinking back to that fateful moment.

1 thought on “Looking back

  1. ssvolk says:

    Gracias, Ignacio, for having shared your journey with me. I’m glad you have reached some peace with yourself.

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