Avatar Reflection (Fernando’s Voice)

What a long, difficult journey it has been. I certainly never knew if I would make it this far, that I would outlive Pinochet. So many others didn’t make it…Manuel, Sofia, Tom├ís, Alejandro, Paulina…So many names…I remember when I was so hopeful, when I wanted to be a doctor, wanted to help people. I tried to help people, but sometimes I wonder if it did any good. If I got Rosana, Mario, and Nico involved in the cause, and they are now desaparecidos, am I to blame? Did I do more harm than good? I know what my father would say. You can’t predict the future, you can only respond to the present. But still I wonder.
I wonder if I would have been a good doctor.
Yesterday I received a message from a man my age who claimed to know my parents. Said that he was in a camp with them, in Argentina. In the little contact that they were able to have with each other, he learned their names, my names, and made a promise to find me. I’m surprised he did.
He is in town for business, but he asked to meet me, talk to me. I know it would be good, to know what happened, to know how they died. But part of me doesn’t need to know, that part already knows, and it might just hurt even more to hear it said out loud. I will meet with him, but I’m not sure how much I will ask, or let him tell me, about my parents. These wounds were ignored for a long time, and I wonder if it is too late to heal…
I wonder too, for Chile. Her healing process has taken so long, had so many missteps, can we, as a country heal? For our generation, it might just be too late. The torturers, the activists, we are all dying, but of old age, not how we thought we would.
If it is too late for our generation to come together, the least we could do is give our children the tools to do what we could not, for if we do not, then it stops with us. If the generation after mine cannot talk to their children about the coup, about the regime, the torture, the desaparecidos, then Pinochet will become another name in a book, and the dead will truly disappear.

One thought on “Avatar Reflection (Fernando’s Voice)

  1. ssvolk says:

    Thanks for sharing your life’s journey with me, Fernando, if only in the pages of this journal.

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